Disappointed

I'm not sure whether I'm disappointed in myself, or in the rest of the world, probably a little of both. I've received so many rejection letters, many of them just plain old form letters over the years. Of course when I first received them I'm upset, I try to play it off and move on because there isn't much more I can do. Then down the road I reread them and find that I'm pissed off at the agencies that don't even bother to explain why they have rejected me. Was my writing bad? Grammar (probably)? Am I not marketable as a writer? Who knows. So what do I do other than move on, keep writing with a massive chip on my shoulder. I'm just at a point right now where I'm ready to give up this writing dream because it only adds another layer of depression I never knew I had.

So be it...

Literary Agents or Literary Assholes?

So I am still researching Literary Agents. Yay me right? Wrong! I must say that some of these people think they are God, playing with the dreams of amateur writers. One agency says, 'If you think you have written a good story, think again. Most writers don't know what they have to say, they are just babbling on about nothing much. We will not represent babble.' Okay who in the hell would even attempt to send their work in to this agency? I guess someone is because they are still in business. Whatever!!

Now another agency says: 'Dr. Schiavone represents published authors. He accepts queries only and will consider material of high literary quality and marketability from new authors. There is a 99% rejection rate for all queries received.' Can you say the killer of dreams? I can and it starts with Dr. Schiavone. Why even bother spending the time to put together a proposal or fiction package for someone who is basically saying, 'most of the work we receive is shit, don't bother I have enough toilet paper.

So what is a girl to do? She keeps researching, fingering her way through the bullshit and hoping to find a diamond in the rough. One that I will feel comfortable sharing my amazing work with and will represent me to the fullest. I knew it would be like this when I decided to become a writer, but it is so lonely down this crazy road.

Feelings of Guilt

Everyone deals with death differently, but taking someone's life isn't an easy thing to deal with no matter the circumstances. So when I kill off a character in one of my novels I am sad. Even if the murder victim was once the despicable murderous ass that made me want to write about him or her of course.

Murder is in fact interesting, and those who don't believe that is a liar and probably holds murder in his or her heart themselves. They want to kill or have thought of killing or has in fact planned on killing. Burning a man who raped a 14 year old girl, then sodomized and humiliated her, then hanging her on the flag pole in front of the police station or federal building where the people who are tracking him dwell, brings me pleasure when writing. But afterward? Afterward I feel guilty, but only for a minute because like momma always use to say, 'I brought you into this world I'll take you out!'

Of course that only goes for those of us who write fiction!

Literary Agents

I've been reading online tonight, and early into the morning about getting a literary agent. This isn't the first time I've read or even queried agents to represent my work; however, it is the first time I've truly felt overwhelmed with the amount of information and the lack of consistency in that information. First of all you need to know what genre your work falls into, well duh that is a given. Most agents won't even represent amateur writers, but in order to not be considered amateur you must be published. Come on now, how can someone break into a business that is doing everything to keep them out. Someone has to give me and my work a chance right? In this next set of queries I send out I hope that I get something other than the average form letter because frankly I've had my share of those.

I might be a bit frustrated but don't get me wrong I will continue to trek my way through the system, one day down the road someone is going to open a window to see my smiling face and they are going to say, "what's that you got in your hand," and I'm going to have one of my most brilliant pieces of work. Just you wait and see. A lot of the agent lists I've found online have agents listed without any contact information. How do I submit my work to agencies that don't even exist? I don't. Then most of the agents that do have contact information listed are bogus, no named scam artists that only want to make a buck off you while never giving you anything in return. So what's a girl to do? She is going to continue working on it. Don't worry I'm sure I'll be back to let you know how it goes, if not I will be back to bitch about it. Either way, I hope you come back too!!!

Contemplating Life

Right now I am in a mood where things can go either way. In my mind I try to remain positive about the things going on in my life, but...

My relationship with my husband is wonderful, no problems there. My health is just okay, nothing special, and I believe that will change when Spring finally gets it's ass in gear. It's coming and I for one cannot wait. Bring on the beautiful walking, weight loss weather because I can use it. I love baking but can't really eat the goodies I make because they will in turn make me fat. I cannot find a job to save my life, so I'm home all day feeling sorry for myself. Sure I get time to write but I rarely take advantage of that time because I'm too busy playing on Facebook and other various applications.

Oh life, where are you. I always dreamed of a life with so much going on. I have only a few friends, but that is okay because I prefer quality over quantity. I want to write and even though I enjoy writing, I would like to be appreciated for my writing. And by appreciated I mean I want to be paid for writing. Which means I want to be a successfully published writer.

Well other than that there is another thing bothering me. As a family we need more money. We are struggling now to make it. We have a lovely home, a car and each other but we have no room to maneuver into something special. We want to go home to Arizona, and that requires money... Will we make it? I don't know and as positive as I am, it's hard to believe right now. In my heart I will keep this dream alive even though my head doesn't agree. But as of now something serious has to go down in the next few months for this dream to come true. We will see... (fingers crossed).

Well I guess I'm done venting for now.... Till the next time...

Getting Started

I'm a Taurus, the bull -- as in bullheaded -- and I've always had a hard time getting started. I have a million plans for my life, career and health but getting started is the hard part. Anyone else have these types of issues? Once I get started though? Oh yeah baby I get started and I always finish. I could use a few suggestions on how to get started.

My point?

Well I plan on losing a lot of weight, once I get started my hard work will pay off, I know this but I have to get away from the excuses. Is it just me?

I haven't finished Cutthroat, which I had planned to finish by the end of November -- that is last year! Yet I'm still stuck. I have many other story ideas that I would like to get through to but again getting started is very hard because I don't like to start something when I am not finished with other things.

Well I just wanted to vent for now, I got started and I didn't shut up until I was finished, now what to start on now? The rest of my life...

Happy New Year!!

It's now 2011 and that begs the question what did you do in 2010 that you can be proud of? Did you accomplish the goals you set out this time last year? I myself did not complete everything on my list but I did check off some of the stuff. Mostly writing stuff but still is that ever enough.

This years list isn't that long but it is quite important. Why? Because accomplishing goals is always important, this year among many is of course Arizona, one of the big question marks from last year.

Secondly lose weight, I've been putting on weight far too long, and it's time to get it in check. If I can quit smoking, I can definitely lose some pounds. To quit smoking has been the hardest thing I've ever done besides healing from a traumatic event in my past.

Third, which is another thing that has been on my list for many years is to break into and rock out the literary world. I work hard, and continue to improve at my craft, why shouldn't I have the opportunity to feel how the other half does?

This is my year which is what I said last year but like last year I really mean it this time. Oh and by the way Mercury is coming out of retrograde I believe which means this will improve! *Fingers Crossed*